What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
