$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
