I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
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