i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
