some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
