my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
