I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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