my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
