Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
