I cannot find my penis.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
do herpes really smell.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
