Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
