I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
