I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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