i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
