Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
