i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
