Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
