I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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