listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
