The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
