Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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