she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
