Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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