Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
