I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
