I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
it's like heaven, but drunker
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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