Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
