I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
