So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
