I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
