Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Someone came in the potted fern
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
