Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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