How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
