just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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