I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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