That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
