I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
