he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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