If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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