After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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