Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
