I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
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