I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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