my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
