Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
