I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
