Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
