sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
They should really pass out barf bags in church
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
