My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
