Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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